Fearless Pink

I haven't felt the need to write on here until today. I think, with everything going on, I have been distracted and more focused on the challenges surrounding me as opposed to my personal issues.

The good news is that I am adapting into my "new normal" better than I thought I would. My hypothyroidism was easily controlled once we found the right dosage and that has helped a lot with the fatigue. I still get tired easily, but not to the level I was at before.

Some challenges still linger. Getting back into exercise has been a real challenge. I am out of shape because I stopped during the worst times, so I am taking things very slow. Yoga is something I am trying to introduce back in, because I loved it so much before things hit the fan. I am also trying to walk Hazel more, which is good for the both of us!

What is hard right now are the days in which I try to be the way I was and realize I can't be that way anymore. For example, the other day I was cleaning out my car and got a good sunburn. I was outside for 30 minutes tops. I get pretty angry in those moments: Why can't I just clean out my car without having to put on long sleeves or gobs of sunscreen?

Today was one of those days. I got a call yesterday my sleeve had come in for my lymphedema and I went to go get it this afternoon. When I went a few weeks back to meet with the physical therapist, I was hit pretty hard with the realities of living with lymphedema. It has been a lot to wrap my head around.

I should be focused on the positives: I was told that I caught it really early, which is great. Lymphedema is much easier to live with when it has been caught in the earlier stages. I have a WONDERFUL physical therapist who is kind, reasonable, and educated.

I would be lying if I said I have accepted the realities, though. The cost for therapy alone is overwhelming. Like almost all physical therapy, lymphedema treatment isn't covered by insurance. This being a chronic condition, I am flustered by the costs in the years to come. Come May, I start going twice a week, and then transition to once a week. From there, we hope I can go less often, if I am in better health, making my payments significantly lower.

And this darn sleeve. This "fearless pink" sleeve and gauntlet I have to wear every day. Who knew that a piece of cloth could make you so upset? Coming home today with the sleeve, I am struggling. First of all, the thing isn't comfortable. I know I will get used to it, but right now, I just feel uncomfortable. Secondly, every time I look down, I am reminded that I am not who I was. That mental hurdle has been much harder to clear than I thought.

I know I will bounce back. I know that I will own who I am and embrace the sleeve with time. But, for today, I don't want to be fearless. I want to be mad. Today, I am going to let myself be angry. I can be fearless tomorrow.