30: Year of Change

It was a cold Taco Tuesday in November.

Like most Taco Tuesdays, my friend Lacy was over. I would like to think she had come for the company, but if I am honest, we know that she was mostly there for the delicious tacos I had picked up at the shop down the street. Don't judge her, they are really good tacos.

Tacos are a pretty inspiring food. I have found that, when Lacy and I eat tacos, we really dig deep into our lives and discuss things that are quite significant. For example, there was the time we discussed Lacy's interest in crime podcasts (she sometimes uses them to fall asleep) and where that stems from. Another time, we scrutinized my weird phobia of wooden kitchen utensils. One time, we tested out doorbell sound effects to see if Hazel would react to all the sounds or just certain ones.

On this specific evening in November, the conversation had, once again, taken a more insightful direction. The topic? Our upcoming 30th birthdays. Our birthdays are close, Lacy's in January and mine in February. We sat around the table, reflecting on what we had accomplished, what goals we have for our future, and what has changed as we have grown up. We decided that night that we would deem our 30th year "The Year of Change." We would make changes as we turn thirty that would positively impact our lives: further education, growth in our careers, healthier living, and taking time to breathe more often.

Change. What a strange word. It isn't a word I have ever spent much time thinking about. However, with my 30th birthday a little over a week away, it has been on my mind. On one hand, I really like the idea of change in my life. Making positive changes to help myself grow in body, mind, and soul, is going to be a wonderful, sometimes challenging, experience.

On the other hand, however, change is terrifying to me. I look back over the past 11 months and realize all that has happened to me is change. I haven't had many moments where my life hasn't been up and down. I turn a corner, thinking I may be coming to the end, and find changes I didn't want.

How do you cope with that? It is one thing to decide you are going to have a "Year of Change" and another thing completely to have your body decide it is time for a "Year of Change." How do you begin to process that your life has changed and won't be going back to the way things were?

Honestly, I don't know the answer. I am still working through everything that comes with a change this challenging. I can tell you, however, that it is a process. I know that I have spent months grieving my old self. I want old Sarah back even though I logically know that she isn't going to make a comeback. I know that I have felt lost at times, not sure of who I really am any more. I know that I have been angry with my limitations and have screamed into pillows more than normal. I know that these changes have caused me to feel helpless, to feel frustrated, and to feel sad. I know that some days I feel absolutely beat down and drained.

There is always a silver lining though, however thin it may be.

In these past months of change, I have grown as a person. I know I am stronger than I was before. I know that I am more confident in myself, despite the fact my physical appearance is struggling. I know that I truly laugh more, because I have come to appreciate the happy moments in a different way. I know that I have a strong support system of family, friends, and community who rally when I need them most. I know that I am slowing gaining back my abilities to do things I love, like hiking and yoga. I know that art is really therapeutic for me, whether it be candle making or jamming out on the ukulele (sorry, neighbors...).

I know, on my worst days, that I will get back up and try again. I know that this won't beat me.

I guess I started my "Year of Change" earlier than intended. It has been intense, but I am ready for the challenges that lie ahead. Come late February, I get to start working on my lymphedema. I am told the process may be slow, but the hope is that things will start to turn around as the months pass. I am finding that my hypothyroidism is slowing getting under control, though my neck is still joining in on the random swelling parties my body throws sporadically throughout the day. I am working hard and taking note of what is good and bad for me and will eventually find a rhythm of sorts with my other random and unique symptoms.

So, let's raise a taco to the "Year of Change!" To new adventures, new challenges, and changes of all shapes and sizes. Year 30, here I come! #goodgravyihopeiamready